My heals clicked the hospital floor abnormally loud as I walked down to his hospital room. There was a constant beeping that seemed to have no rhythm. The only still in that room was his still and half lifeless body sinking in the hospital bed. I sat down on the chair beside his bed and set my bag beside me. I reached out and grabbed his stiff hand. He did not grip my hand back.
Of course he didn’t, he probably wasn’t even aware I was here right now. I put my hand back into my lap. “Hey,” I said. “How are you?” There was only the beeping and the sound of foot steps in response.
“Oh, right,”I said”Um, well I am okay then… I guess.” I clicked my nails in the arm rest of my seat ” Well, I mean what even is not okay anyways? As long as I’m not lying in the grass begging the earth to swallow me, I’m okay.” I hoped that a nurse would come in and tell me that visiting hours were over and that I would have to leave. But she didn’t.
“Um so, I got dressed up today…and yesterday and the day before. It’s a new job thing I guess. It’s not really working out well though. The whole dressing up thing, I mean. Make up doesn’t stay up to well when you cry everyday. I guess I just need some of that water proof stuff,” I rambled . nurse walked past but didn’t tell me to leave.
“You know I’ve never seen you with gray hair. It’s been so long, I only remember your brown. I guess that’s just reminder of lost time. Not that I was the one who lost it of course.” A black tear fell off my chin. My words were started to crack and croak.
“It’s just so strange, you know. Hating you for so long but the moment you were hurt, here I am rushing to your side. I guess that just means that I don’t hate you. Maybe that’s it. Or maybe I needed to bring my grudges to you. Leave it like white hair. I don’t know anymore.” This time the nurse did come in. She told me ten minutes. I nodded and wiped away the blotted mascara.
“I don’t think it was because of the things you did, or as other’s put it, who you are. It was more me thinking it was my fault and you not correcting me. You let me think that I was wrong. Just a ‘ hey, kid this is on me’ would have made it so much easier. So I guess it’s not what you did, but what you didn’t do.”
A nurse came in and told me that I had five minutes. I stood up and turned to face the window. “How dare you.” I said,” How dare you hurt me and then end up like this! How do I hate someone so broken? How can I blame you when you can’t even look at me, when I can’t see the hurt in your eyes.” I wiped the rest of my make up off. ” I guess I have to forgive now. Since you are dying and all. I want to damn you for it, but…but I can’t”. The nurse came in and told me it was time for me to go. I nodded and picked up my things.
As soon as I passed the threshold, a long beep rang out of the room. I turned and saw him flat lining. Two nurses rushed in, then a doctor. I did not. I stood there in the doorway until the doctor looked up at the clock and called his death at 7:31.
Then I left leaving my grudges with him.