I went to the ocean after it. I remember my mother telling me that it could heal you. She said something about the salt spray coming off of the ocean just does something to your soul. Or maybe it was about all that life in it just does something to you. Yeah, she said that it lends a little life to you. It lends just enough for you to heal and remember.
So I went to the ocean after it after he left.
Oh wait, I left him. I remember now. I had to leave him. He looked too good. He had to be an alien or some man made person that was only here to trick me. Happily ever after was never supposed to be this easy.
I had my dress being fitted right now. I closed my eyes and could imagine the thin needles punching into the hems of the fabric of my white dress. I knew that right now he was being measured for a tux that he would never wear again.
But yet, I was here. It had just stormed and all the crabs and critters were scurrying back into back hiding. I looked at my phone for the time. He wouldn’t have known I had left yet. He wouldn’t have known for a couple of hours. I set my phone in the sand.
I stared at the ocean. The wind pushed the hair out of my face. “I don’t want to be here when he realizes,” I told the ocean,”I don’t want to be here when he moves on either.” I took one more step to the shore. Then another and another until the icy water washed over my feet and splashed my knees. It made my shoes and clothes heavier. I stopped at chest deep with the salt water splashing in my eyes and the cold shocking my lungs. I knew it would happen here. It had to be here. A place that was teeming with life is where I would end mine. It felt like it could just replace me. I heard screaming from behind me and then I fell under the water. The cold made it hard for me to move and chest felt like it was collapsing in on itself. My legs were going limp. I turned and open my eyes. It stung and I couldn’t tell which way was up or down or left or right.
A hard feeling shot through my frozen body. Regret. Regret. I didn’t want to die. How did I not know that I didn’t want to die? I started moving my arms around. Then I kicked my legs but I couldn’t find the surface. It was like I was in a bubble with no surface. I still saw light so there to it had to be there. I coughed and choked on sea water. My muscles gave out.I remembered our first date. I remembered his proposal. I imagined his face when he would learn what I had done. If this water didn’t kill me soon,his broken face glued to my eyelids would.
I felt pressure on my forearm that was pulling me. I thought it was a shark. I thought that they wouldn’t even know what I had done because I would be in the stomach of a shark. But it was getting lighter and my face broke the surface of the water. My eyes were still stinging and I had blurry vision but I could make out the silhouette of a person pulling me on to the shore. I could barely get enough air in as I crawled across the sand with my savior.
“What the fuck were you doing out there?!” she gasped as she sat up. I just laughed. How could I not?I was alive and I shouldn’t have been. I was still here.
“Thank you,” I said.