The sticks always made identical noises when I stomped on them as we stumbled under the trees giggling and grabbing on to each other.
“Over there,” he said pulling me into the bushes.
“Okay,” I said giggling and following him. He pulled me against him and I pressed my lips into his for one long kiss. He put his hands in my hair and kissed me back. When we let go, he let go of my hair and used his hand to graze my chin and cheek bones. Our noses brushed together. He pressed the palm of his hand into my low back and I wrapped my arms around his neck.
“Here,” he said motioning to a semi empty spot along the forest floor. I plopped myself down and he started leaning down into me. I could still see her. He grabbed the bottom of my shirt and started to lift it. I stopped him before he could get it over my breast and put my palm in the middle of his chest, pushing him away,”What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I just… I just can’t,” I said while squinting my eyes shut and seeing his hands, relaxed and lazy, in hers. I opened my eyes and tears fell out.He wiped them away.
“I thought…I thought you forgave me,” he said. I pushed my fists into the ground and stood up.
“I thought I did too,” I reply. This time, I could she him squeezing her hand as he leaned into her. Her blue nails digging into the backs of his hands and his back was arched in pleasure.
“Then what’s the problem?” he asked. My heart was sick. I was sick.
“I can’t-” I choked.
“You can’t what?” he asked.
“I can’t look at you the same,” I sobbed,” I was stupid to think that this would work.”
“Why not? I’m me. I’m the same me,” he said taking my hand and putting his face in my palm. I yanked my hand away.
“You’re aren’t mine anymore. I can only see you as hers. I don’t even feel you anymore. I just– I just feel her.”
“I’m yours. I’m only yours.” he said grabbing my face and making me look at him,” I love you.”
I hit him. I hit him hard enough for him to let go of my face.
“Don’t You Dare!” I screamed. “You Do Not Get To Say Those Words To Me! You don’t do this to those you love?! You don’t hurt them like that! You have NO right to use those words.”
“Baby! We’ve been through this. I’m sorry!” he said,” Look we just got to work through this.”
“Like you worked through her, right!” I shouted. He cowered down and let his head hang.
“Don’t be like that,” he said in a quiet tone.
” I thought I could do this,” I said getting up.
“No, I waited for you that night. That night you fucked her!” I said turning around. “I Knew then. I couldn’t bare to say it, but I could smell her on you. The coconut oil she used in her hair was all over your ears, and cheeks and–nd–nd lips.”
“It was just one time!” he said.
“Don’t you lie to me again,” I said, putting my back to him,” that wasn’t the last time you smelled like her.” I started to walk away. Every step sounded sick and I mistook the sticks for my own limbs.
“Babe, c’mon. Let’s talk about this,” he whined,”C’mon babe stop it. Talk to me.”
“Oh, you wanna talk?” I said spinning around to face him. My teeth were scraping each other and my hands were opening and closing ,” I knew every time.I knew every damn time you came home.”He opened his mouth and made a few noises.”No, that wasn’t what got me. It wasn’t the scent or the pictures or how your hands felt afterwards.” I turned again and faced the sun set.
“I’m sorry for it. I’m sorry for everything.”
“You don’t even know what you are sorry for,” I laughed with a bitter twist in my face.
“What is it then?” he asked.
“Your smile when you came back,” I choked out and crossed my arms. I fought the urge to cover my face up and cry,” You bounced and danced when you saw her. You laughed more. More then you ever did with me. You loved her more than me” I gasped for air,” Do you know how hard it is to see you so happy, and…and for me not to be the reason.” He didn’t try to speak. Instead, he walked up to beside me and stared into the sunset. He didn’t try to touch me. The hot tears fell off my nose and cheeks. I punched them away. I said that I wouldn’t cry about this again.
“I know,” he said. I risked a glance and I found that the bastard was crying. I knew that I was only a little better. I remember the night I set out to the streets and bars looking for someone to hurt him with. I found him sitting in the back of a club. He had the most beautiful shoulders and just the right amount of lonely. And he tasted so damn good.
“I forgive you, but I cannot forget either of our guilt,” I said with clear words and my chin raised. My legs moved me away from him. Parts of me screamed to touch him and the others was terribly ill.
And I walked away from it all.